Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
tonight lets celebrate not being married
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
