What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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