So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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