I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
