we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
