apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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