I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
