Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize