I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
