i think my tv is drunk
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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