I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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