I hate your face
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
