sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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