I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
