I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
