I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
