i was born a porn star she said
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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