he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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