I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
