I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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