so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
im six kinds of drunk right now
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
