I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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