My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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