We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
