In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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