Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
