At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
