i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
