You just made me feel so damn special
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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