Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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