the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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