DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
