why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
