I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
