Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize