she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
