We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize