Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
