I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize