why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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