Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
