Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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