I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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