my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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