She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
