gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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