omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize