I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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