She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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