I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
