You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I stole a fireplace last night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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