Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
