I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
