It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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