she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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