I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
