I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
