I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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