nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize