Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
