i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
