If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
