Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
