He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
